From another…

“WANTED: MOTHER”

DESCRIPTION: Daily care for two young children. Shake bottles of formula, microwave bagels, make cheese sandwiches. Wipe pee off the toilet, change wet and soiled diapers, take out trash often. Do laundry daily. Clean spit-up off of clothes, wood floor, the couch and carpet. Look for signs of sickness and anxiously call pediatrician or friends to describe symptoms. Empty dishwasher. Explain to toddler why he can’t eat chicken nuggets every night for dinner. Pack diaper bag with daily necessities, including coloring book and crayons. Referee playdates. Play fireman. Laugh. Read stories. Remember to brush teeth. Empty dishwasher. Fold laundry. Monitor number of hours in front of television, and then say “F**k it” under breath. Bathe children, try to find time to bathe self. Try to lay off the cookies, then give in. Put laundry in drawers. Explain to toddler why he can’t drive the car. Wipe snotty noses. Dance. Fall asleep after five minutes of stillness, but wake up at the slightest noise. Endure shrieks, grunts, and cries. Clean up toys. Shop for food and plastic items. Lug baskets of laundry up stairs. Empty dishwasher.

REQUIREMENTS: Must be able to lift heavy children. Must have love, patience, abundant energy. Must look like me, act like me, and, well, be me, just improved.

HOURS: Day and night. You’ll get small breaks when children sleep. (As long as they agree to this function.)

SPECIAL SKILLS: Ability to use the following phrases: “Take turns,” “We’ll see,” “Not now,” “No!” “1-2-3,” “Do you want to go in time-out?”; “Ma-ma-ma-ma,” “Da-da-da-da.” Capacity to eat quickly and avoid department store sales (especially Target) so that the children have a college fund.

SALARY: Nil.

PERKS: Lots. More apparent when children are sleeping (see “HOURS“).